OOPS!
We apologize for leaving everyone in the dark. We have been so busy that as soon as there is a moment we fall asleep. I haven't even been checking my email!! Boy were there alot of people wondering what had happened to us....
I just wanted to tell everyone not to worry and everything is going okay. We are really homesick and can't wait to get to the USA!! Tomorrow morning we will leave for Almaty and spend a week or 2 there waiting for Maksim's paperwork to be done. Nothing about this adoption process has been easy - especially the wait. Wait, Wait, Wait!!
We are having some issues with Maksim centering around food and language. He is frustrated that we cannot understand his sentences and requests. We are frustrated that he cannot understand ours. Each day he has some tantrums that we cannot seem to calm or help. But each day he learns some more things and we make progress. We learning how to help eachother feel good in the family.
Any advice from you parents out there?
Sorry for the lack of updates! I cannot promise they will be more frequent. :)
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6 comments:
Tantrums are fairly common at this age. Even if you spoke the same language kids that age have way more thoughts than language and thus tantrum for the same reasons Max is.
The general rule for tantrums is to ignore. As long as you know he is not in pain or starving put him in a safe place and let him rage. I used to tell my son "come to me when you need a hug"
OF course you don`t want him to feel alone, you might want to let him rage in your arms.
Another idea would be to take and print pictures of what he might be asking for. Juice, Milk, a few favorite foods, toys ... what ever you think he might need. WHen he has a need or want he can not express give him the stack of pictures and let him show you. Keep in mind that sometimes at three they don`t know what they want ;)
Food issues are tricky. We adopted our DD at 17 months and even at that tender age she had issues. I think it is important that food be given by mom or dad only. I wish wish wish I had enforced this with my well meaning friends. My DD would eat to bursting. Her little tummy would be extended and she would still be cramming the food into her mouth. We started telling her "we will give you all the food you need, but not all the food you want"
It is important to let them know they will be well fed and food is a great bonding tool. Some of these kids also have catching up on nutrition to do so it really complicates the feeding issue. Keep making him feel secure about food and let him associate YOU with providing food, but also find a cool ritual that has nothing to do with food.
I hate to be the voice of doom, but she is now 6 and we STILL have food issues.
Hang in there, it does get easier.
One thing a wise friend (and MSW) tells me is to not confuse adoption issues with parenting issues. When we adopt out of less than ideal circumstances it makes us want to blame everything on adoption, sometimes it is just the way the kid was born to tick.
It goes get easier :)
Now that I have babbled I will give you my disclaimer. My advice is from my experience. YOU guys know Max. Your parenting journey may call for different techniques.You will get all kinds of advice, take it all with a grain of salt. YOU know Max. Some advice will have you saying "wow that makes sense" some will have you saying "hmmm sounds good, but not right for us" The best advice I can give is to trust your gut. If you stay in tune with your parenting instinct for YOUR son you will make the right choices most of the time ( and we all have things we wish we could do over)
Lori
Just love and patience is all you need.... It's hard. I'm not an adoptive mother and can't speak on that part and I bet it's so much different when adopting a child that speaks his/her native tongue. So it will be some adjustments on both parts... But he trust and loves you and in time things will work themselves out... You have an advantage that you got to spend so much time with him before finally getting him... So he knows & feels comfortable with you two...
Best wishes....
Amy
Hi Melissa and family,
I agree with Amy. And I would say that children use tantrums as a stress release mechanism, without tantrums they learn to suppress feelings which is not such a good life long behavior. This is especially true for boys. Children tend to only have tantrums with those that they love and feel secure with, so feel lucky to get the worst behavior. When Soren has a tantrum, I just let him know in a reassuring voice that I love him and understand he is frustrated. Then let him role and rage! I think it is important to be in the same room/space as them while they rage because you maintain that emotional support. When he is finished he is in a much better mood and space. If you have time this website is interesting http://awareparenting.com/
On the food issue, I think that the cards are a good idea. Also you might try to be very regular about having breakfast/lunch/dinner with several snacks in between. I think we adults tend to develop the ability to go long stretches without food, I have noticed this in our own "normal" American house. I have to make a big effort to get Soren fed regularly. I don't know about your feelings to sign language? We have used signing times with Soren and he really liked it, it has not stunted his language but instead given clarilty to gargbled words and gotten across his basic messages to us. http://www.signingtime.com/ they have some demo clips online
This is the first time I have commented in your blog, but I have been enjoying seeing all your pictures and hearing your tales! I look forward to seeing you again at SBHS and meeting Maks too!
Much love,
Wendy from LEAPS
This happened to us as well with Mateo. When I first talked with you, I mentioned that if you experienced behavioral issues, you could always talk to us. I was hoping you wouldn't go through it, but wanted you to know that we did just in case... My advice is to do the best you can with your situation. Things will dramatically improve once Maks is home. The lil' guy is just experiencing so much uncertainty right now, as I know you know. Mateo's tantrums were out of control at times...and I teach middle school kids with behavioral disorders. The moment we got home and he knew it was his forever home, he was still our fiesty son, but a different boy as well. Just keep things in perspective. It is painful not to be able to comfort our kids - we felt the same way. We found that music seemed to help calm both kids...and still does to day. We are thinking of you and praying for your family!
The Sapps
Hi!!!!!I know i'm not a parent buti can give advice being the one who had the tantrums,....can't i???!!:) i think Maks is just adjusting to being in a new enviroment and having new things and a wonderful new family. i agree with the other comments that it might be frustrateing 2 deal with but its good 4 young people to have tantrums so they dont bottle it up and keep it inside them and eventually become that sort of a person. i also think a lot of these techniques that other people have written will really help like taking pics of the stuff he wants and to remind him that u love him all of the time but let him get his frustration out.i think your just becoming the new and fabulous woods family and that things will work out as he grows older.:):):):):)smiles from all of us!!
-the kern family
p.s.(can't wait 4 u 2 be in the USA either!!!:))
HELLO FAMILY,
ST. PAUL SAID IT BEST: LOVE IS COURAGEOUS, LOVE FORGIVES ALL THINGS, UNDERSTANDS ALL THINGS, LOVE IS KIND, LOVE CONQUERS ALL THINGS. (PARAPHRASED) I WAS NEVER AN IDEAL MOTHER, BUT I ALWAYS DID EVERYTHING FROM LOVE. YOUR HEARTS KNOW.
I LOVE YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH,
MOM
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