Can't go back to work, period!!

This week was the second worst of my life. Second only to my sister being killed in April of 1999. I found out that we would not travel to Kazakhstan to adopt our little boy until "later". An undisclosed "later"! It seems that the Kazakhstani government has put a temporary hold on adoptions until new requirements can be issued.

What am I supposed to do now? I am on a semester leave of absence from my teaching duties at Santa Barbara High School. I asked for this last May when my adoption agency assured me we would leave for Kaz in "10 weeks and no later". I knew that we wouldn't be home in time for Maks and our family to bond so my husband and I decided that taking time off of work would be appropriate. We can't really afford to take too much time off - but we knew the loss in income would be extremely worth it as our son learned about his family.

So, when I found out about not traveling, I called the school district's personnel office. I was informed that because I took an official leave of absence, I would not be allowed to return to my regular duties as a physics teacher - they had contracted a subsitute teacher until the end of January. To me, this is understandable. Not only that, but - I wouldn't be allowed to substitute teach for the district, either. To boot the personnel director also informed me that I couldn't sub for any public school in California! What??!! I suppose it is my fault for trying to do the right thing and give my school plenty of notice to try to find a suitable replacement physics teacher. (they didn't from the rumors I hear) I was told we would travel in July! It is really nobody's fault... noone could have known that the adoption would play out this way - not Jason or I, not our agency, not the school district, not the orphanage in Kazakhstan - but it seems unfair.

I really can't even think right now! I am in shock. I worried when Jason and I first decided to adopt that I might "lose everything" - my home (it is a huge financial undertaking to adopt internationally), my marriage (okay - I am a worry wart - but kids add stress to a marriage), and my job (with unknowns that come with kids - both homegrown and heartgrown). Now we are stuck with half of our normal income and what is going to happen with my job!!!!?????

Well - I'll try to stop crying soon.