Well, in the news these days, there is a bunch of craziness regarding children adopted from Russia. And let me just tell you something...
Adoption can be HARD. Not just parenting hard. HARD.
While some of the things that go on in the families we are hearing about is dreadful and hurtful and absolutely the worst. I can sympathize.
When we brought our sweet boy home, our world turned upside down. Our amazingly quiet, loving and peaceful home was suddenly wrought with pain, sadness, and hurt. It came pouring out from all of us - Maks, Jason and me.
Trauma happens to many of us. In my childhood I felt like I was never living up to standards. That left me trying to be perfect. In Jason's he felt abandoned by his mom and dad - even though they were kinda there. But he never felt like one of the group. Maks, of course, was physically and emotionally abandoned in the extreme.
So when we became one, all hell broke loose. We were expecting to bring a child home that did not have a family. Who we brought home... was a child without love. It is difficult to explain.
A smile and a hug brought us a bite and a kick. A quiet simple home had yelling (my absolute nightmare), threats of leaving (Jason's absolute nightmare) and pain. The violence thrust upon us triggered some horrible things inside both of us parents. We found an ugly person living inside the bottom drawer of our file cabinets. (Great analogy Heather Forbes!!) How do you think Maks felt!?! But, through the utter strength of my husband, we came through alive.
And well.
We have talked through our inner pain and tried to deal with it so that we could become better parents for our boy. It is working. The process is slow and has its ups and downs.
Please do not judge those who deal with these traumatized children. They will judge themselves.
sooo...ummm...yes...
I wish everyone could see the love that is growing inside of Maks. He is amazing. He is sweet. We are working on kind.
4 comments:
Bravo to you for hunkering down and working through the pain to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I am sure that this was not an easy thing to do as you described. But I have 2 problems with this woman's actions. First, perhaps she should have been better prepared and supported to deal with the - not uncommon -attachment, sensory and other issues that older adoptees bring, but 9 mos is not nearly enough time to work through these issues. Heck, in retrospect, we were still bonding up to a year or more later with our 1 year old! It is sad that she wasn't able to reach out for help. Second, there are other legal means to disrupt an adoption that do not create an international incident, fuel the anti-adoption sentiment and create potential problems for the thousands of children waiting for families and the thousands of families waiting for children (including us!).
I am so happy for you that you have found the 'other side' and are reaping the rewards of your emotional pain and hard work.
I totally agree that she went about it the wrong way. I wish she would have gone through some counseling and if she needed to disrupt chosen legal means.
I was only saying that I understand her pain.
Hi there, I've seen your blog a few times. We live in Central CA. Christy T. actually mentioned your family to me. We brought our son home almost a year ago from Almaty. I like this last post you wrote. I totally get what you are saying. While I can also sympathize with the TN mom and I'm sure anyone who has adopted a traumatized older child can, too, I am also mad at her for not seeking resources. We have been using all the resources that are available because it is hard and nothing can prepare you.
I think because of what we go through, it has made us better parents to all of our kids and better partners.
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